So Attached...

When my 1st baby was just 6 weeks old I had to return to work. Had to, well because although my husband had a job, we also needed my income. Had to, because I had a commitment to my employer....had to....ok, I did not really have to. We could have made it work financially, but after working for 9 years it was hard for me to leave my job, but what was harder was leaving my baby home.

He was in the care of my husband, the only person I would ever leave him with, but my heart ached so bad. I nursed him on demand and he did not take to a bottle. My husband would bring him to my job so I could nurse him on my breaks, but still, I felt panicky when he was not in my presence. The 1st few weeks I returned to work were so hard on me and my husband and sweet baby. While at work my milk would let down and I would cry in the back room longing to nurse him....the time went so very slow and it was only a part time job with 5 hour shifts. At the time I was a manager in a children's consignment shop, so every time a mom and baby would come in the sadness hit me again.

After a month or so it got easier, but I still felt horrible. I got a different job when he was 6 months old where I only worked 2 days a week for 3 hours a day. After a few months we decided I needed to be a full time stay at home mom :)

With my 2nd baby I did not have a job to return to and I did not have to leave my baby. In fact he was almost 4 months old before I left him for any amount of time. And when I did it was only 2-3 hours at a time.

Now, with my 3rd baby, who is almost seven weeks old, I am having a very hard time returning to my job as a photographer. So far my husband has been able to attend all of my sessions, which were outdoors, wearing our baby in the sling and hanging around the area. This way I could focus on my photography and know he was content with daddy.

Next week I have a newborn session scheduled and these take 3-4 hours on average in my clients home. I am torn at the thought of leaving him and don't think it will work out to take him with me either and I almost have myself convinced to give the job to another local photographer I know.

I really don't know why I am posting about this other than it is weighing heavily on my mind and I need to sort it all out.

As much as I love photography, the income is not necessary, we can make do without it. I just might have to get over it and commit to the many sessions I have scheduled this month, or I may have to choose to only do outdoor sessions where my husband can come and they only last on average 1-2 hours. I may have to decide to reschedule my clients for later in the summer when my baby is a bit older...

I do want to mention that I have nothing against working moms or Mothers that have to, or choose to return to work when their babies are small, but for me personally I just can not do it, again. I am just too attached to my little guy. I am his soul means of nourishment. I am the only one that can comfort his cries.