Saturday, May 8, 2010

So Attached...

When my 1st baby was just 6 weeks old I had to return to work. Had to, well because although my husband had a job, we also needed my income. Had to, because I had a commitment to my employer....had to....ok, I did not really have to. We could have made it work financially, but after working for 9 years it was hard for me to leave my job, but what was harder was leaving my baby home.

He was in the care of my husband, the only person I would ever leave him with, but my heart ached so bad. I nursed him on demand and he did not take to a bottle. My husband would bring him to my job so I could nurse him on my breaks, but still, I felt panicky when he was not in my presence. The 1st few weeks I returned to work were so hard on me and my husband and sweet baby. While at work my milk would let down and I would cry in the back room longing to nurse him....the time went so very slow and it was only a part time job with 5 hour shifts. At the time I was a manager in a children's consignment shop, so every time a mom and baby would come in the sadness hit me again.

After a month or so it got easier, but I still felt horrible. I got a different job when he was 6 months old where I only worked 2 days a week for 3 hours a day. After a few months we decided I needed to be a full time stay at home mom :)

With my 2nd baby I did not have a job to return to and I did not have to leave my baby. In fact he was almost 4 months old before I left him for any amount of time. And when I did it was only 2-3 hours at a time.

Now, with my 3rd baby, who is almost seven weeks old, I am having a very hard time returning to my job as a photographer. So far my husband has been able to attend all of my sessions, which were outdoors, wearing our baby in the sling and hanging around the area. This way I could focus on my photography and know he was content with daddy.

Next week I have a newborn session scheduled and these take 3-4 hours on average in my clients home. I am torn at the thought of leaving him and don't think it will work out to take him with me either and I almost have myself convinced to give the job to another local photographer I know.

I really don't know why I am posting about this other than it is weighing heavily on my mind and I need to sort it all out.

As much as I love photography, the income is not necessary, we can make do without it. I just might have to get over it and commit to the many sessions I have scheduled this month, or I may have to choose to only do outdoor sessions where my husband can come and they only last on average 1-2 hours. I may have to decide to reschedule my clients for later in the summer when my baby is a bit older...

I do want to mention that I have nothing against working moms or Mothers that have to, or choose to return to work when their babies are small, but for me personally I just can not do it, again. I am just too attached to my little guy. I am his soul means of nourishment. I am the only one that can comfort his cries.


  1. ugh...i totally understand. i assisted my husband on a photo shoot when huck (my #2 baby) was 2 months old. i was gone for 5 hours...they were the longest 5 hours! I feel your anguish!

  2. It is hard leaving our babies... The cool thing with photography tho is you can kinda of work it out so when you do leave them they are at least with your husband or not far or gone from you for very long.. I think tho during this time when they are so tiny less is more.. and if u can make it without doing as many, cut back for now. I turned down around 8 weddings this year because of Owen.. I just couldnt imagine leaving him so much... I can do my wedding work ANY TIME.. sessions tho to me arent to bad. I dont mind leaving him for 2-3 hrs as long as i know hes with travis and taken care of. Its actually a nice break for me... but thats just me :) I only leave maybe once or twice a month ... since I do not take more than 1 session a week.

    The time apart from him allows Travis a great bonding time 2.. so it works out in that way as well.

    You got to do whats best for you and your baby tho.


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